May 13th, 2005
Flashback Numbah 42
The big gala runs tomorrow night. Massive amounts
of prize money, sex and respect await the winners.
Which reminded me of why I got into this business
in the first place:
Tourette Comforts Nervous Bull Market:
Still In it For the Money
After the nationally televised fistfight on the
David Letterman show, several financial critics,
notably at the Washington Post, have begun to
question Mingus Tourette's intent, and moreover,
his street credit.
As I am afforded a soapbox that most writers don't
have, ie. a website that receives 400 000 unique
visitors a day, I would like to officially retort
to those in the right-leaning media, and especially
those in Mr. Bush's 'Swift Boat camp'.
It is obvious that I am into writing for the sole
purpose of making money. Though the poetry groupies
are great and it's fine to have Evan Solomon hand
me packages of uncut opium behind the Gladstone
Pub in Toronto, lord knows that I have enough
sex with strangers and do enough drugs that I
don't need publicists and television personalities
trying to get me high. I can handle that by myself,
thank you very much. If the 'left hook heard round
the world' that I delivered to Al Roker proved
anything, I should probably ease off on the pharmaceuticals
for a couple of days. But I probably won't.
So to those capitalists who continue to suggest
that I am involved in this for 'the love of the
game', or worse, 'a humanistic understanding',
let me assure you of one thing.
Ming is all about the bling.
As a young entrepeneur in 1992, I surveyed the
possible capital ventures that I might engage
in, and considered getting in on the ground floor
on such opportunities as 'the internet' and 'computer
software'. Fortunately for my bankbook, I opted
to pursue the far more lucrative path of writing
and poetry. And, after a dozen years of relentless
work, my net worth exceeds that of Tunisia, Rwanda
and Belgium on a good year.
Yes, Bill Gates is still my bitch.
So for all you young business people who are considering
tagging their chains to the petroleum industry,
computer programming or worse, biomechanical engineering,
I have this to say: get into poetry, and get in
early. The hours will be long, the strain on your
body will be great, but it won't matter, because
with persistence and talent, you'll be able to
buy a whole new liver, family and circle of friends
by the time you're thirty.
Just like me.
So to all the soft-c capitalists who keep trying
to take a chip off my mega-brand: why don't you
come over to my French-maid staffed 200 foot Victor
Class Yacht one of these days and lick the blue
chips off my balls while I keep cranking out the
thousand dollar haiku you can only dream about.
You know, once in awhile, I sort of wish it wasn't
so fucking easy. But then I watch my albino hippos
tear apart another endangered black rhino in my
Latex Gladiator Pit, and I thank the Lord above
that it is.
Amen.
May 12th, 2005
Job Posting
This was released Tuesday by the Mayor's office.
Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like the position
will be decided in a 'Last Man Standing' bare-knuckle
cage match. Instead, it will be based on 'merit'.
---
Edmonton Mayor, Stephen Mandel today sent-out
the call to Edmonton writers that the Capital
City is searching for its first-ever Poet Laureate.
A Poet Laureate is responsible for reflecting
the life of a city by writing and reading poetry
to mark and record important civic occasions.
In ancient times, the laureate was the central
means for recording and communicating history.
“Edmonton’s Poet Laureate will create
local and national awareness of the literary excellence
we have in this city,” says the Mayor. “It
will further confirm this city’s support
for the arts in general, and will solidify our
reputation as a municipal leader in the arts world.”
A jury will review submitted samples of Edmonton
poets’ published work and announce the poet
selected for the position at the Mayor’s
Evening for the Arts on June 13 at the Winspear
Centre.
The jury will include members of the arts and
writing community, a member of the public, a representative
of the Edmonton Arts Council and two City of Edmonton
people – one elected and one non-elected.
The appointed Poet Laureate will serve a two-year
term and will receive a $5,000 per year honorarium.
Interested, published Edmonton poets should contact
the Edmonton Arts Council for application information.
“Edmonton will be only the seventh jurisdiction
in the country to create such a position,”
adds Mandel. “Our endorsement of the artistic
community is part of what makes the Capital City
so attractive to citizens and new Edmontonians.”
---
The news was immediately greeted by cultural commentators
with a Limerick Contest. "Poets" were
asked to create a limerick starting with the line
"There was a man from Edmonton". And
email them to
smckeen@thejournal.canwest.com. Seriously.
You can win a free lunch. I came up with this
little sweetie.
---
There once was a poet from Edmonton.
Who liked to carry an elephant gun.
When you mocked poetry,
he remarked angrily:
DON'T CHEAPEN MY FUCKING ART WITH A LIMERICK YOU
FUCKING PRICK.
---
As for the real job, you got to love that Stephen
Mandel. Can you imagine how much fun it would
be to represent as Poet Laureate of Edmonton?
The weekly poems on civic events, the t-shirts,
the poetry orgies, the performances at the Winspear
center with a three-piece jazz ensemble, the new
domain names, the new logo on the side of the
ambulance, the diplomatic immunity from police
giving tickets for inane by-laws, the hiphop jams,
the coat-of-arms, the daily poems from E-Ville
poets, the slams, the chalk on the sidewalk, the
writing on the walls, the forty-eight hour poetry
crawl down Al Purdy street, and school readings,
and the tattoos, the wigs, the Cloak of Infinite
Verse, the groupies, the political presence, the
word on the street... poetry on every motherfucking
corner, drilled right up the ass of every oil-sucking
blue collar redneck who doesn't know that his
useless, tortured existence is a poem - yet.
Goddamnit, that would be sweet.
May 11th, 2005
Big Announcements
Number One: Shelley Rothenburger
and Mingus Tourette will be hosting a 'Meet the
Artist and Poet' event NEXT FRIDAY, May 20th,
at the Fringe Gallery. If you haven't seen their
cutting edge multimedia exhibition The
Unclean, this would be an excellent chance
to see it. The event starts at 6.30 pm and runs
until 8.00 pm. Expect a full tilt poetry reading
and a Q&A session with the artists.
Also, expect FREE LIQUOR.*
 If
you missed it: The Unclean art / poetry
show is a collection of paintings by artist Shelley
Rothenburger, with a series of poems by Mingus
Tourette. However, instead of writing these poems
in a book, Tourette has handwritten them onto
the walls between the paintings. It seems to be
cheaper this way. The show is on display until
May 31st at the Fringe Gallery, located at 10516
Whyte Avenue. The Gallery is right beside The
Paint Spot on Whyte, down from Chapters.
And yes, it's completely free.
Number Two: Mingus Tourette
will be appearing at the South
Country Fair this summer, as a part of the
Lotosland Spoken Word bill. Other poets include
Kerry Mulholland, James Dangerous, and Magpie
Ulysses. Musical acts include such notables as
Carolyn Mark, Captain Tractor and Tippy Agogo.
This engagement is exciting because it's a major
fair with big crowds, and it's not often that
Mingus Tourette is allowed to detonate in front
of 3000 people at the same time.
Number Three: The Poetry Award
announcement is this Saturday. I'm sure I'll lose
(according to Mingus Tourette's Rule of Fourth,
or in this case, Rule of the RunnerUp), but it
will be interesting to show up at the black tie
gala and rub elbows with the province's literati.
Much debate has raged about what Mingus should
wear. Suggestions have been so beautiful, I have
made a list, which I now declare a poem:
Mingue Couture
At least when I lose
I am well dressed
in my thoughts
Surrounded by black ties
and prom dresses
I hit the runway wearing
The gasmask and the Kangaroo gun, slung over my
shoulder.
With a satchel full of fear.
Droog eye makeup under a German Storm Trooper
helmet.
A Cock ring.
I hope to use.
Properly.
A watermelon I named Tolstoy's Flower
fitted tightly over my Nixon mask.
A Versace meat suit.
Sexy-like.
Black Cossack boots
Rose-tinted sunglasses with circular lenses
a Full-length grey fox fur coat
and a big fuck-off gold-nugget ring I could
knock out any future poet laureate with
including myself
depending on the price of Gin in E-Ville
Number Four: And finally...
the rumours are true. RickStag 2005 is in the
works. Prepare yourself for mayhem on a level
previously unimagine, and get ahold of this three
point tagline:
RICKSTAG 2005 - More Vikings. More Liquor. More
Shitheadery.
May 10th, 2005
Unclean 15
the hard logic
before pulling the trigger
if I’m eating mustard sandwiches
what’s the dog going to eat?
---
So many announcements, but of course, the BIG
question is: what will Mingus Tourette wear to
the Alberta Book Awards Gala this Saturday night?
Pink Tuxedo? Full suit, with just a flourish -
the pink tie? Nothing? Assless chaps? A nun's
habit? A bride's dress? A clown suit?
Good lord, the excitement.
May 9th, 2005
Unclean 48
T-Paul quit firing drugs eight years ago
but this short brown guy
on Hastings
who is missing three teeth
is strung out as we speak
they talk about how
getting off the street
was good for T
but wouldn’t be good for the junkie
can’t leave his community
his family
though his Mom is proud that he’s using
some methadone
and only burning a hundred bucks a day on the
rest
and then the joke
how heroin is better because it lasts all afternoon
and crack lasts what
ten minutes?
They say it at the same time
and laugh
But What Happened Last
Week? By God, Find Out Here!
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May 9th - 15th, 2005